Ek het lanklaas geskryf. Baie lanklaas.

Ek kon eenvoudig aan niks dink om te sê nie en dit wat ek wou neerpen het net eenvoudig nie belangrik genoeg geklink om die moeite mee te doen nie. Dit wat die moeite werd geklink het, het dan weer na te veel moeite gelyk. ‘n “Whatever”, “Who cares?” houding het my beetgepak.

Ek het biejie soul searching gedoen en baie daaroor ge-obsess. Eers het ek tot die gevolgtrekking gekom dat ek “the big block” het. Ek moet sê, ek kyk met nuwe oë na skrywers wie hulle brood moet verdien desnieteenstaande writers block, of nie. Ek het baie empatie. Dit kan nie maklik wees om geforseerde geboorte aan iets kreatiefs te skenk nie. Dit voel in sulke gevalle seker meer soos iets opbraak, as jy my vra. Uiteindelik het ek egter tot die gevlolgrekking gekom dat dit winter is. Die antwoord lê, na alles, nie in die sterre nie, maar wel in die seisoene.

Sien, die ding staan so. Ek is ‘n beer. Ja, inerdaad. In die ware sin van die woord kan iemand wie nie baie harig is nie, net 180cm hoog staan en 72kg weeg, seker nie ‘n beer genoem word nie…… maar glo my, ek is ‘n beer.

A few years ago, during my morning meditation, I had a vision. Oh my word, that never sounds good, does it? Visions are just not that socially acceptable. Even in this day and age, we prefer to only deal with (what we call) reality. Visions are felt to be the domain of extremists and the weird. Well, frankly, I do not care what others think, I know what I saw!

I was sitting on my bed meditating. I need to mention here that I am a regular, albeit not a good, meditator. My mind is very busy and races like crazy while I search for everlasting serenity. I know it is worth the effort though, so I continue. I do get clear and quiet moments in between the chaos - and those I treasure. So, back to me on my bed. I suddenly became aware of an incredible stillness inside me. In my mind’s eye I saw a picture starting to form. (Some arbitrary information on the side: Right in the beginning, when I started meditating, I always saw a bright purple dot in front of me). I thought: “This is weird. Wonder what this is about?” The picture developed and right in front of my eyes, a bear presented itself. Only the head. As if he (or she for that matter) was peeping over a wall. My internal reaction was that I should panic, because this is not normal. I searched for fear in my being, but there was nothing, just a warm and welcome attitude towards my visitor. It tilted its head from side to side, as if to give me a good glance over and then opened its mouth as if to say something. No sound came out. My impression was that, strangely, its breath does not smell. One would expect a big brown bear to have a bad breath, not? Then, slowly, the picture faded and, all too soon, it was gone.

What happened after that is not important. No, I did not pee myself! If you insist to know, my whole body started shaking and I came out of my meditative state. That is what happened. It is believed that I apparently (and accidentally, I have to add - as it is presumably quite dangerous) released my kundalini energy. (Please note that I am not a specialist in the field of meditation, totems, kundalini or many other things for that matter. I am sharing my story. Your experience and your level of knowledge is different may be different and I respect that. I live my life trying to accept what is, instead of always having to understand it.)

I was more than slightly disturbed about this occurrence and immediately scoured the world wide web for answers. Where else does a modern man start to look for the all the answers to the weird and wonderful world we live in? I also spoke to a few people I know who meditate often and one who is a meditation teacher. I also told some whom I thought would enjoy my story and have an interesting view on what happened. I was told that the chances are great that I was visited by my totem animal.

Webster’s Dictionary define a totem as a natural object, ……. that serves as an emblem or symbol. A means of personal or spiritual identity. The website: Spiritanimal says that a bear as a totem animal is “emblematic of grounding forces and strength.” “It is a powerful guide to support physical and emotional healing.” Well, frankly, at that stage of my life, I was all about healing. All forms of it! And I truly needed all the help I could get. I was in early recovery and the pain was sometimes close to unbearable. (Look, I made kind of a pun!)

Now, all of this arbitrary information leads to the question and the reason for this blog. What do bears do in winter? All together now: “They hibernate!!!” Indeed they do! No wonder I have been feeling so listless and not interested in anything.

Die ding is, ek het regtig begin dink dat daar iets ernstig fout is met my. Ek het al oorweeg om maar weer my Psigiater te gaan sien. Dalk is ek depressief. Of dalk moet ek weer my Counsellor (Supervisor) gaan sien om te in die hier en nou rond te delf, om te uit te vind wat regtig aangaan. Maar toe, nou die ander oggend, midde in my eksistensiële krisis, sit ek en mediteer. In die stilte van die meditasie kom die beer gedagte sommer weer by my op en dit slaan my soos ‘n nat vis deur die gesig. Dit is winter! Bere slaap. Ek wil slaap!

I do not do winter. I am made for heat! I cannot wait for summer. I even look at my garden and despise the fact that it still needs attention - even in winter - how very dare it? It is supposed to be sleeping too! I do not exercise in winter - I am too cold. I do not do gyms - I feel claustrophobic. So, I do nothing and feel crappy about that and then I eat too much! Maybe I might end up looking like a bear after this winter. The way things are going now. I am well on my way!!!

I am not only a bear, I am also a meditator. Step 11 of my various recovery programs tells me that I seek, through prayer and meditation (the real funny thing is - and I typed it like that now before I corrected it - that I sometimes accidentally say “medication”), to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand Him (or her), praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. My experience is that many people pray, whether they are in an organised religion of klein skietgebedjies na whatever daar vir hulle is, but not a lot of us take the time to become quiet…… to listen.

Prayer is a way of talking to our God, while meditation is a way of listening.

I sometimes giggle at the picture of God, as I understand Him, listening to me and giving me answers, but I am soooo busy, that all the words fall on deaf ears and disappear in the chaos in my head. It must be so incredibly frustrating.

I need the guidance and answers I ask for, so I must make time to listen for the answers. If I do not become quiet and listen, how am I ever going to know what to do or understand what is going on? I get a lot of ideas or alternate views on things while meditating. I truly believe I am being spoken to and I know that meditation works.

Try it.

What do you have to lose?

Ek is Afrikaans!